Gasping for (Fresh) Air

Let summer begin! Insurance exams are over and done with until autumn. That’s one less thing on my plate, leaving evenings and weekends open to relaxation. After work on Friday, I went straight to the hammock for reading and later took a dip in the pool.

This evening is a stark contrast to last Sunday when I was recovering from my first work-related anxiety attack. The constricting heart, gasping for air, and overall stress at the thought of another Monday were an overwhelming blowout – something I fortunately haven’t experienced in years.

Backyard Flowers

Generally, the fifteen minute walk between work and home has been a sufficient divide between the two worlds. I always found it great to mentally prepare myself in the morning or deflate on the way home. For whatever reason, I didn’t feel the same way last Sunday. Taking Tuesday off for an exam and coming back to forty voicemails didn’t help the recovery process.

Fresh out of school and still bent on learning, the Insurance courses have been an escape of their own, albeit one that is paving the way between work and the academic life I’ve become accustomed to. Now halfway through my designation (exam grades pending), I already have my sights on a Masters program. Though I’ve had reservations about continuing in academia, I see in the application process itself a challenge to live my life the way I want: volunteering for causes I care about, training towards my ultimate fitness goals, and researching topics that interest me. A new objective is just the trick to push myself and get through tough moments like last Sunday.  Here, Thoreau strikes a chord:

“Men come tamely home at night only from the next field or street, where their household echoes haunt, and their life pines because it breathes its own breath over again; their shadows morning and evening reach farther than their daily steps. We should come home from far, from adventures, and perils, and discoveries each day, with new experience and character.”

(Walden)

The body is in a constant battle against stagnation and I fear most those convulsions that come from breathing in the same thoughts day after day. If I am ambitious, it is only because the world is big and our ideas many. There isn’t time to do everything, but that only means we needn’t waste our time sitting in the same seat and recycling the same air.