A Busy Mind

Pardon my absence. Since my last post at the end of April, I’ve been caught in a tide of work that is just now cresting and about to crash on the shore. This morning, I booked my flight back to Canada, which means in four weeks I will end (roughly) ten months of travel. I’m excited and sad all at once.

Two weeks ago, I was in Malaysia and due to school work, I’ve been unable to post anything about the trip. But, it’s not the first time. There have been a number of trips I’ve failed to write about and I’ve been wondering how to share them. I could certainly try to tell them in person, but writing is my stronger medium. Also, at the beginning of 2014, I set seven goals, one of which was to publish an e-book.

Over the past few months, I’ve tossed the idea around and came to realize that if I were to publish something of the quality I hoped to achieve, I may need more than a year. I have many concerns to address, but looking again at the deadline I set, I’ve decided I can’t let the sand slip so easily through my fingers.

What I have in mind requires much more attention if I’m to finish on time. It will be comprehensive. It will be of a different style than my blog posts and will need a lot more editing. It will take up a lot of my time.  And now – or at least following my return – I will need to set a considerably more rigorous writing schedule.

So that’s where my head’s been at. I’ve still been writing, but without publishing anything. I hadn’t been doing enough writing for myself or for the sake of art. My biggest obstacle, I feel, is to redefine (or solidify) my writing style in order to produce something I can be proud of. And that comes with a lot of writing (and ignoring the suggestions of word processors).

As compensation for my lack of posts, here are some things I wrote in class or other moments of distraction. Cheers!

*The following are edited excerpts from my notebook and scrap pieces of paper.

**If you don't want to read everything, let me suggest the undated and May 15th posts. 

April 23^rd

That buzzing, numbing feeling; light-headed, humid air. Sweat forming on my forehead. Few words jump out from the professor’s lecture, but too tired to listen. No, not too tired... or at least not sleepy-tired; just brain-tired. White slides, black text again. The font is too small. I can read it, but why bother? I’ll teach myself later. [...] Damn it Patrick! Why did you open your laptop in front of me? Typing. Click click. [Teacher speaking:] “If I don’t believe you, will I bother to listen to you?” Topic is Persuasion. He’s used the word ‘manipulation’ over ten times in the last minute [...]

Phone break – sorry professor. Kiss kiss. Still meeting after class at four. Two more hours of this mindlessness. [...]

Break! I buy chocolate milk and one of those triangular seaweed wraps – salmon filling. The lady speaks English quite well and offers to show me how to open my snack. Sure, I could use a refresher. Return to new topic: Negotiations. [...] Phone is still at 100%. No Facebook notifications. Oh, never mind – just a slow connection. Starting to get cold now. What’s with dropping the subject in my sentences? [...]

April 24^th

Another silent morning – calming, but I’m tired. At least it is morning and not afternoon. Mother received my letter – said she cried [...] I wonder if anyone is listening [to the professor]. She’s referenced yesterday’s seminar three times already – the one I skipped, or rather, the one that was scheduled during my other class [...] This is pathetic. Commotion and noise. “Moving Average.” Can I go home now? Twenty-five minutes in. “Exponential moving.” This is old stuff. Let me just review it later. [The teacher] gets distracted too easily (says the person who isn’t listening). [...] “Alpha.” Brain mud. Squish.

[Undated]

Cornflakes in milk, eating in the dark. Heavy curtains dampening the sound of rain while I sit – office chair at desk, eating spoonfuls of cereal – yet swim effortlessly in the clearwaters of thought.

It rained hard that second night in Malaysia as well. We ordered room service in case it didn’t stop. It did though. The only time the temperature was bearable and we walked the whole way to the Petronas Towers, radiating blue lights off into the darkening night – her at my side.

Wet leather shoes now soaked. Shitty drainage. White shirt, black tie, still unshaven; bus reckless – ruthless through puddles. I asked for rain though didn’t I? Back in KL, stressing about unfinished reports. Better for thinking. Now what I’d give for the insufferable heat – sweating fat Americans under umbrella shade in Chinatown. The Chinatown run by Indian Malays. To again take refuge in an air-conditioned taxi, wiping sweat off my brow with a napkin [...]

May 7^th

[...] I don’t want to deal with all of this school work. Too much pointless writing – reports. Makes me want to sleep. Procrastinate. Can’t though – it’s all group work. Big motivator for me – don’t let others down. I guess the grades don’t really matter to me, but it does to others. Hence STRESSED... Blah blah blah... Brain tired – just class.

May 15^th

[...] Savour the moment as well – the peaceful morning. Grey clouds painted on a faint blue sky. Tree covered hills of Mainland a backdrop to the yellow cemented residence halls. [...] Closer, appreciate the depth of these surroundings too. A messy desk: tall thermos behind a stout mug. Closest, a glass bowl, spoon against the side; milk residue slowly solidifying [...]

I miss home. Comfort. Hugs. I’ve been away too long. I’ve been outside of my comfort zone too long. Thoughts are formless [...]

[...] I could rip out some pages from the notebook – start fresh. Look how nice my handwriting is now. At this moment. Not rushed – just lazy scrawling, going at an easy pace. But what to write? There’s nothing to think about but the end of class. Still two hours. I can’t concentrate on any thoughts of significance. What is significant? Is that question too much? Perhaps for now. When is now? today? this month? this stage of living? Let me just lead my quiet life. [...] I’ll have a writing nook where every morning after breakfast and watering the plants, I’ll sit down and release my thoughts. My significant thoughts come of aged experiences and hours – years – of reflection in quiet, blissful mornings.

Once more on a new train of thought. Or rather, the same train that has switched tracks. An old fashioned train with red leather benches and wood panelling, black smoke streaming from the coal fire [...] I sit alone – no other passengers – so I walk the length of the cabin, looking out the spotless glass windows to the old evergreen hills. Who’s driving? It doesn’t matter – just enjoy the ride. In my pocket is a passport – stamps of different colours from around the world depicting a life of adventures. Am I dead? It doesn’t matter. Stop thinking. Relax. Breathe.

Can’t stop. Damn this generation’s mind. Damn this addiction to technology. Can I get away without throwing away countless opportunities? Do I want those opportunities? [...] Canoe into the backwoods without even a camera. Learn to use your mind again. It will take pictures for you. Give in to your natural urges, not these lite-brite distractions. Dip into the water. Leave your clothes behind and follow me! Feel the release. Spread your arms wide in exultation. Look upon true beauty – what nature has created. Take it in with your eyes. [...] Look how much farther you can see than the screen of your phone. Why do we have this impulse to share it? Let it pass. We’ll share it together in real life. I’m showing you now so you will understand for later. Spread the word of the world. Look up to the sky. Appreciate it whether it be grey or blue. Remember the clouds? when you laid on your back with friends and looked at their shapes? We used to do that. It wasn’t just something you saw on T.V. Remember? [...] The sensations that create memories of such clarity, there is no doubt as to their previous life. Do you trust me? Can you let go? Be freed of the static distractions that are buzzing and dulling your mind. Hold my hand now. Feel my existence as I feel yours.

May 16^th

We were given a blank page and asked to draw a line and mark the top. It was some psychometric exercise the speaker wanted us to do. I drew a line extending down the middle of the portrait-oriented page and wrote at one end “TOP OF THE PAGE” and underlined it. [I really wanted to do that – the big line down the page. I wasn’t just screwing with him.] As the speaker continued with his presentation, I wondered whether he would get back to the analysis. But, as time dragged on and I sat there with an almost completely blank page, I began to sketch things I saw in the classroom.

In grade school, I always kept my notebooks sketch-free. Doodling was for slackers – for those who couldn’t concentrate or didn’t want to pay attention. For eccentrics. Already at a young age, I looked down on art even though I enjoyed drawing as well [...] I saw myself as an academic – I could enjoy art, but at a distance. It was no way for me to make a living. I dreamed of security. Art was simply a hobby.

When I reached university, I faced an identity crisis. Surrounded by analytical thinkers, how was I to differentiate and define myself? It was then, still in the context of the business world, that I turned to design: the flow and structure of reports; the art of presentation: slides and speeches. [...] Today, my notebook is filled with twice as many pages of creative writing as class notes.